JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
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