It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
