I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
