Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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