grandma shit on top of the toilet
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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