Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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