OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
