I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
