last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
