I think my fart just growled at me.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
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