WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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