i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
