It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize