It's a beautiful day for a hangover
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She bit a glass in half.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
