I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
