So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
