I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
