yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Randomize
