If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
