Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Randomize
