My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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