Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize