Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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