Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
