so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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