I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
