Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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