the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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