I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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