I need to stop coming to work sober
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
