Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
tell me about the fingering
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