I think scott just propositioned me for sex
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
