Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
