Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
