Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
