I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Randomize
