An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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