I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
