im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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