It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
