Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
