We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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