Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
