fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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