They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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