i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
