Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
