In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize