Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize