Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
