let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
