bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize