So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
