who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you didnt know i had herpes?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
