U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
