You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
this is an emotional support booty call
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
