Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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