My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
