Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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