Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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