I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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