Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Randomize
