Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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